It’s over, but it’s really just the beginning. From this point on, it’s up to you whether you break down or break through from this break up!
There is truth behind the saying: Things fall apart for better things to come together. But it won’t happen on its own; you must be pro-active to grow, heal and learn from this experience. Many people don’t invest the time and effort to reflect and recover after a relationship has ended. As a result, they carry baggage of their past into new relationships. This sets them up for failure and causes unhealthy, repetitive behavior to occur (e.g. trust issues, insecurities, being too guarded, etc.).
Dedicate six months at least to follow the five steps below, whether it has been one day or one year since your last break up. This investment will secure a higher chance that your next relationship will be a happier, healthier and more successful one.
STEP 1: Cry, sob, wail, scream, swear, punch a pillow, laugh, eat, sleep… Repeat. (Two weeks)
You are entitled to your emotions. What you feel is valid, always. Allow yourself to feel, whether it be sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, happiness, relief, or all of the above. Just feel what you feel when you feel it.
Express those roller coaster emotions by talking, crying, yelling, writing, sleeping, painting, dancing, etc. Release those emotions whichever way you feel necessary at the time, (as long as you are not physically harming yourself or anybody else).
This step should be limited to two weeks, otherwise long term emotional and physical damage may occur.
STEP 2: Understand and over-stand why this relationship is no longer standing at all. (Two weeks)
Reflect on the emotions you felt in Step 1 and process them by understanding the relationship, your ex-partner and yourself more thoroughly.
Determine what really caused the break up to occur. Identify the faults of your ex-partner and take ownership for your own actions by recognizing how you may have contributed toward the relationships’ demise.
The target time for this should be two weeks, but this step is an important one, so take more time if more time is required.
STEP 3: Good bye for good. (One month)
Acceptance and closure are necessary and important components of moving on. After completing Step 2, Step 3 will be less challenging than it seems.
Coming to terms with the break up and accepting it, means letting go – letting go of the person and relationship, the habits and routine, as well as any negative emotions and physical reminders. Seeking closure means expressing any last words or thoughts to your ex-partner and asking any final questions that will help you move on and conclude this episode. Decide what you need to say, hear and know before you have this conversation with your ex, and then decide how you will obtain these things and how you will approach him/her.
If you don’t think your ex-partner is willing or able to provide you with the closure you need, write a letter addressing him/her. Do not send it. The point of this exercise is to release whatever may occupy your mind and prevent blockages from occurring later on.
This entire process should take approximately one month.
STEP 4: Next time, there will be no next time. (Two months)
Exhale. You’ve made it this far – congratulations! You’ve eradicated yourself from the past, completely and successfully. Now leave the past in the past and look forward.
In Step 2, you identified the flaws in the relationship, your ex-partner and yourself. Now in Step 4, create systems to prevent history from repeating itself.
Develop new strategies to implement in your next relationship, to prevent you from repeating the same bad behavior and mistakes. Also, determine deal breakers (intolerable traits or actions) and recognizable warning signs you will notice when meeting prospective partners. Learn to trust your instincts.
Take at least two months to create these systems, deal breakers and warning signs.
STEP 5: Learn and let go. (Two months)
After completing this entire process so far, you’ve learned how to be a better you. Now, take time to allow these life lessons absorb and become a core part of you.
Date yourself, take a new class, pick up a hobby and work out, so you look as good as you feel. Get to know yourself even more, push yourself to grow and evolve even further. And when you’re ready, casually date others who are worthy of being with the new sexy and confident you! (Ex, eat your heart out).
Although you’re probably high in demand now, allow yourself to remain single for at least two more months to really digest this journey and enjoy this time to yourself.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
There is always the opportunity to overcome obstacles in life, but you must be pro-active and willing to invest the effort and time required, (in this case, approximately six months). The timeline is meant to keep you on track and moving forward. Some steps may take longer than suggested and some may be too difficult to manage on your own; in which case, consider contacting a professional who can help guide you.
Good luck in turning this break up into a break through!
***The views expressed by the author above do not necessarily reflect the views of Eligible Magazine, Eligible Inc, Eligible Social Club, or any of the individual contributors thereto.***.