“Sex is better than talk. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.” – Woody Allen
When you aren’t getting the sex that you want, what do you do about it? According to the couples I’ve interviewed over the years, the answer is anything that doesn’t involve asking for it. Why make it so complicated? Simply telling her what you like is a huge turn-on for most women. They’re after great sex – and they’re desperate to give it to you, too.
It seems that “asking for it” is the one box on the How-To-Get-What-You-Want checklist that remains un-ticked by many of you. Whether it’s telling her that you don’t like her oral technique or that fantasy she wants to play out, articulating those feelings can leave even the most experienced of men fumbling for words.
But, however uncomfortable and awkward it might be, you have to find your voice. In communicating with women, it’s the most effective tool you have.
Untie your tongue!
Your main sex-talk issues:
1) Being afraid to articulate what you want.
2) Thinking you shouldn’t even have to say it – she should know
3) Saying it, then feeling frustrated when nothing changes
4) Feeling confused as to what you want in the first place.
Do any of the above sound like you? Here’s how to get the sex you want:
1. “I’m afraid to say it.”
This is, by far, the biggest reason you don’t speak up. Work out what’s driving that fear.
Fear of looking stupid. You might worry you’ll sound like a porno, but that’s actually a great place to start. Imagine you’re doing a porn voice-over: say the words out loud to yourself, really going for it. It will feel odd at first, but eventually they will sound ordinary. Then say what you want to say – it won’t be as bad.
Fear of upsetting her. What are you protecting her from? Becoming your ideal lover, that’s what. Asking her to stop, start or change something doesn’t have to be criticism – it’s direction. And if it sounds inviting and not as though you’re nagging, she’ll love it. Women repeatedly say they love sex with men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to ask.
Fear of making her angry. Some people react angrily when feeling criticized or embarrassed, but if you approach your partner with respect and care, she’ll have nothing to react to. If, however, you’re feeling angry with her, those negative vibes will leak into everything you say. Take the sex talk out of the bedroom. Be honest without accusing her, and give her the chance to do the same, too. Sex mirrors the quality of your relationship. Improve one and you’ll improve both.
Fear of being judged. You’re probably judging yourself. You can’t control your sexuality; it’s formed by a gazillion pieces of info collected over a lifetime. Unless you’re putting yourself in any sort of danger, you’ve got nothing to judge yourself about – and neither does anyone else.
2. “I shouldn’t have to say anything”
You’re frustrated – you think you’ve already tried everything. You’re angry because your partner is forcing you into the uncomfortable position of having to say what you want. But “if she really cared, she’d know” is a cop-out that’s only going to take you further from the sex you know you want. It’s very simple. Those who don’t ask, don’t get. One more try could lead to bliss.
3. “I spoke up, but nothing has changed”
When you’ve found the courage to say what you want, then had to say it again with little or no result, it’s either time to give up and get out, or say something different.
If your relationship is new… her “not hearing” could be a warning sign – she’s only out to please herself. Or perhaps you haven’t learnt to speak each other’s language yet. Next time, tell her in very simple terms. If she still doesn’t listen, you might have to consider your options. If she won’t give a little in bed, what are the chances she’ll be willing to make room for your needs in other areas of the relationship?
If you’ve been with your partner long term and recently found your voice only to discover she’s not listening, don’t give up. People are creatures of habit. When you try to change, add or stop something after so long, she could mistake suggestions for complaints. Tread carefully around her fragile ego and use positive, upbeat language.
4. “What if I don’t know what I want?”
If you’re still fairly new to sex or you haven’t yet been in a relationship that lets you explore your needs, you have a whole world to uncover. Finding out what you want in bed is like discovering what types of food you enjoy from hundreds of new tastes. One day you’ll want to try something exotic from the menu; the next you’ll want to stick to what you know. Your palate will grow with experience.
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By Gabrielle Moore
Gabrielle Moore helps couples around the world improve their sex lives. She communicates daily with her more than 300,000 subscribers. Gabrielle is the author of several best-selling books, such as “The Female Orgasm Revealed“, “Turn Her On Faster“, “Hot Licks“, and many others.