I have many clients coming to see me distraught because they are not in a committed romantic relationship. They dream of it, yearn for it and feel depressed that they are not in one but when we dig in we uncover that deep down they are afraid of losing their freedom: Not necessarily the freedom of flirting and being desired by many, which feels good to the ego, but the ability of being able to do what they want when they want.
In my coaching practice I work a lot with the subconscious mind because even though you may not be aware of it, your subconscious mind runs the show most of the time. Some experts believe that up to 95% of what we do is due to conditioning from our past experiences: our family dynamics, our friends, and other social connections, what we are taught at school, through the media, our cultural background, all of these have an influence on us without us being aware of it. Talk about lack of freedom! We think that we are choosing to be with someone because we love them, when in fact, we may be with someone because when we were a teenager that type of person was the cool type to be with, which obviously as an adult may not be the most fulfilling relationship to have.
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During childhood, we make up constructs about what love is through observing our parents and family, which naturally has a major defining impact on our lives. While growing up, if you observed one of your parent being a ‘slave’ to the other or felt that because your parents loved you, you had to do what they wanted all the time, you may well have associated being in a relationship with losing your freedom. And subconsciously you will steer away from the person that could bring you a committed relationship.
This is why it is important to know the difference between needing someone vs loving someone. One makes us lose our freedom and the other one not. As a child, you love your parents but you need them for your survival and therefore, may not have the freedom to do what is for your highest good if it goes against what your parents think is best for you. Equally, if you observed one of your parents being a ‘slave’ to the other one it was most likely because that parent needed them either for financial reason or lack of self-esteem.
True freedom is not the ability to do what we want when we want, but the ability to listen to our hearts vs our emotions because that is what makes us truly happy. Our emotions call us to go after pleasure, after what feels good to our senses, but not necessarily what is good for us ultimately, which jails us. For example eating cake all the time may feel good to the senses but ultimately will get you in trouble with your health or going after the cute girl/guy who has nothing in common with you may make your ego feel good for a while but in the long run will get you in trouble.
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It is also the ability to do the things we need to do to follow our hearts desires. And some of those things will be fun and some of those things will be challenging. If you are in a committed relationship you may not be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it all the time, however through learning how to love you experience true happiness. Happiness of the heart which is deep and fulfilling cannot be replaced by the pleasures of the senses/emotions.
When we truly love someone, we want the best for them while respecting our needs. When you look at love this way love becomes a give and take, it gives you true freedom.
If you want to know more about what it takes to have TRUE LOVE in your life, make sure to check out my site for upcoming workshops.