I was walking on the street the other day, and this woman behind me was speaking on the phone saying that she had given up on men. She had given up because she was always picking the wrong guys and always ending up with jerks who were hurting her.
That made me smile, not because I was wishing her ill, but because it is such a common reaction. So many of my clients have come to see me with basically the same idea.
So why is it that some people always seem to attract the same type of person?
It’s because of your beliefs…
Some people feel worthy of love and believe that love is safe and beautiful.
Some people feel unworthy of love and believe that love is not safe and something to be ‘protected’ against.
And whatever you believe is going to become true in your life.
Because depending on your beliefs you are going to say and/or do the perfect right thing at the perfect right time or the perfect wrong thing at the perfect wrong time and get exactly what you expect.
You want to know what you believe about your worth deep down? You want to know what you believe love is all about?
Just check your past and present relationships.
Take a moment to examine what kind of response you get regularly from people around you: Do people nurture you and take good care of you in general or do you keep on attracting people who seem to take more than they give to you? If so, I invite you to do your inner work and discover what your internal dialogues are all about.
Here’s what I recommend:
Ask yourself, are you constantly putting yourself down? One of my very efficient method of helping my clients is to get them to write in their ‘best friend journal’ (click here to download) ideally every day what they are proud of having being/doing/having that day. Celebrate who you are.
Next thing to do is…write your negative self talks, from the mildest ones to the harshest ones. Then write what you would tell your best friend if they were telling you this, how would you coach them to feeling great about themselves? Then take the time to see how you can put into action that advice.
If you are seeing patterns that love is not safe, you definitely need to examine that belief because…love is the safest thing in the world: if it’s not safe, it’s not love, it is need or infatuation.
Now take some time to do the following is an exercise. It will require some work but it will shed a needed light on beliefs that have been holding you back from having the love you crave:
Take a moment to write down when you got hurt in your past romantic relationships. Then look for the truth of the situation and how you either needed the other person for your sense of self worth, emotional and/or financial security, to feel cool or like you fitted in, or whatever other need you may have had at the moment.
See that the reason you got hurt in that situation was because you took it personally when you could not get what you needed from that person. What would have happened if you had loved that person instead?
When we love someone instead of needing them, we want the best for that person while respecting our needs. What you wanted from them; was it something they were able to give or was it something that was good for them to give you?
Discovering the difference between true love and infatuation is key for a fulfilling love life.