Article by Chantal Heide
Ladies, come closer for a minute, because if you’re one of the many singles wondering why promising beginnings keep turning into dead ends you’re about to get the “A-ha” moment of your life.
Our cultural dating rule of ‘kissing to see where it goes’ has been your biggest obstacle to finding a lasting, functional relationship. Why? Because we both know his kiss seals the deal, pushing the words “no thanks, I’m seeing someone already” out of your mouth when another man asks you out. Good for him because timing creates priority; not good for you since the vetting process flies out the window.
But let me ask you, how familiar is this story?
You meet someone promising. Sometime between the first and third date the chemistry and compatibility seems right enough, and you have the kiss that sets off an incredible journey filled with excited anticipation and fun dates. You enjoy sharing similar pleasures while feeding off your differences, and all the attention being bounced back and forth has you flying high.
But too soon the honeymoon period wears off, usually at around month three, and reality sets in. He has less time, you have less patience. The similarities start to become overshadowed by your differences, the red flags become evident, and you argue about what you want versus what he can give. “But,” you think “those first few months were so amazing. If I try harder I know we can get back to that.”
And so you do. You keep quiet because airing your emotions makes him upset, and he blames you for creating fights. You ask for less, hoping you’ll get more. And when that doesn’t work you hate the idea of starting over, telling yourself losing the last six months just isn’t acceptable. Make no mistake, this escalation of commitment is exactly why people lose their homes at the Blackjack table. Maybe if I invest more today, I won’t lose what I gave up yesterday.
Next thing you know you’re single again, after spending a year or two of your life with the wrong person. But what if you knew before exchanging that first kiss whether or not he’d work out? What if waiting three months before your first kiss was the way to find out?
If that sounds too weird, too unrealistic, too impossible, I know why. You’ve been told no man will wait for a first kiss, that if it seems right you either go for it, or lose an opportunity to have the best thing you’ve ever encountered.
Really? I call B.S, and so should you.
The fact is anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that includes you. That man you’re afraid of losing? Stop believing he can’t wait for a first kiss. He will if he feels you’re worth it, and he’ll appreciate what you build together in the meantime. Connection, familiarity, and intimacy.
And if he doesn’t want to wait? Well, you have your answer about what he’s looking for right there, don’t you? His actions let you know it was never about pursuing you for the long term.
But the fear of loss if you set a “wait and see” standard runs deep. It’s been culturally woven into our psyche, and nobody is questioning the origins. My job is to help you understand that fear is the most expensive emotion you’ll ever have. It’ll cost you time wasted with the wrong person, every dollar you spent on them, and if they’re destructive, some of your self-esteem too.
Ladies, you know that love is about more than just chemistry and surface compatibility, it’s about overcoming obstacles together. And if the first insurmountable obstacle is “you’ve got to get to know me” I suggest you let him walk away, so you can find the one who’ll actually stay and fall in love with you.
Chantal Heide is an author, motivational speaker, frequent media contributor, and coach. You’ll often find her advice in Global News, and you can hear her monthly on The Jennifer Campbell Show at 570 News. Her books Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, and Say Yes To Goodness are available on all online book retailers. Join her community at www.CanadasDatingCoach.com for more information and updates on new releases