Welcome to Thailand, dear readers! Becca and her remaining bros have descended upon Chiang Mai for “Fantasy Suites Week,” AKA. Christmas in July! It’s the week when we viewers get treated to more implied off-camera sex than you can shake a stick at. Praise be!
As the episode began, Becca’s voiceover announced, “I’m in love with two men and falling in love with a third.” Becca didn’t specify which dude fell into which category – love or almost love – but come on, who didn’t already know that Jason was the guy she wasn’t as into? This was the most obvious plot twist since they revealed the real identity of The Black Hood on Riverdale. And if you don’t get that reference, good for you! Congratulations, because you clearly have better taste in scripted dramas than I do.
The first date of the week went to Blake. It had a hiking theme. That being said, this outing was more of an exercise in sexual tension than actual exercise. Because the trail was on sacred Buddhist grounds, that meant the two weren’t allowed to touch. Making out was verboten, but Becca and Blake did manage to squeeze in some very erotic hand brushing.
On their walk, the pair met up with a couple of monks who dispensed relationship advice. I found that part strange, because aren’t monks forbidden from having romantic relationships? I’m not judging. I think being a monk is a beautiful lifestyle choice. I would totally take meditation advice from a monk, and I would be interested in having theological discussion about the tenets of Buddhism with one, too. However, I don’t believe I would take romantic advice from one. It’s sort of like taking fashion advice from a nudist, you know what I mean?
After the hike, Blake and Becca fled to a fancy looking restaurant, where they were finally able to indulge their libidos by doing what people on The Bachelorette do best, making out like their lives depended on it. Sparks flew! Blake and Becca are such a hot couple, they could win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry. And so it came as no surprise that, when it was time to get sexy, they totally did.
Now, one thing that was strange was the size of the key to Becca and Blake’s Fantasy Suite. It was minute, as Jane Austen would say. Was that meant as some sort of visual dig? Were the producers trolling Blake about the size of his penis? If so, I’m disappointed. But I’m also intrigued, because how the hell would they know what his penis looks like? Is there some behind-the-scenes on-set skinny-dipping we viewers don’t know about? Please say yes!
The morning after their Fantasy Suite date, Becca and Blake awoke entwined in the same bed. Becca was wearing a full face of makeup, including vibrant pink lipstick. That means either she and Blake didn’t bang (because surely the lipstick would have worn off during…certain activities), or Becca woke up early to redo her face for the cameras. I’m assuming it’s the later. Not that I’m judging; I’d want to look good too if someone were shoving a camera in my face at 7 am, after my all-night sexy date with Blake. I wonder if she used that concealer to hide any hickies?
While Becca looked perfectly put together, Blake failed to keep it together. He began to panic, ruminating on the possibility Becca could have a deeper connection with Jason or Garrett than with him. While Blake felt confident no man could love Becca more ardently than he does, he was plagued by worries that she wouldn’t reciprocate. When she left, he burst into tears, wiping his eyes with his tank top. This begs the question, why do the producers not provide the contestants with free Kleenex? Didn’t they learn from when Peter had to cry into his cashmere sweater when Rachel dumped him?
But Back to Blake – Poor Blake! He’s so sensitive and adorable. He’s purer than a baby playing in his first snow. So, why do I have the uncomfortable feeling that he’s about to get his little heart broken? The world is a cruel, soulless place.
Of course, it was the second Fantasy Suite date that was the most memorable. This is because of what didn’t happen. Namely, Becca didn’t take Jason to the suite the producers had procured for them at the Shangri-La. Which is too bad, because it looked lit (Do the kids still say lit? If you know, please tell me))
After a beautiful day wondering through a village market and feasting on crickets, Becca still wasn’t sure about Jason. Yes, dear readers, we have solved the mystery of which Man Becca isn’t actually in love with! And it sucks for Jason that it’s him, because he’s smitten.
Jason waxed poetic about how he saw Becca as his best friend, his wife, and the mother of her children. Suffice it to say that Becca did not reciprocate. And the most frustrating part for Jason was that she couldn’t even articulate why. She just wasn’t feeling it.
Poor Becca felt bad about her lack of connection with Jason. She took time out from their date to talk it out with a producer. At one point, she even worried that she had deceived him the way Arie deceived her about their relationship. But ultimately, Becca came away confident she couldn’t see a future with Jason the way she could with Blake or Garrett the Bigot. Whether in real life or on reality TV, you can’t force love.
Unfortunately, Jason did not take the news well. He didn’t get aggro, as the youths say. He just wallowed in denial for a while. When Becca gently informed the Buffalonian banker that she wouldn’t be f-cking him in The Fantasy Suite, Jason began bargaining. He claimed it was fine with him that Becca liked Blake and Garrett better. Regardless of her feelings for the others, he still wanted more time to explore their relationship, just in case. AKA. He really wanted to get lucky with the leading lady.
As it turned out, one disastrous Fantasy Suite date wasn’t enough for Jason. Oh no! He returned a few days later to surprise Becca in her regular old suite. Jason was a man on a mission, in search of answers as to why he wasn’t The One for our Bachelorette. But Becca wasn’t able to give him with meaningful closure; however, she was touched when Jason presented her with a scrapbook he made about their relationship. Sadly, it was not the burn book containing Garrett’s social media history the Internet hoped it to be. If only Becca had seen Garrett’s Instagram, this all could have played out differently. In the end, it was Bye Bye for everyone’s favourite Jack Pearson lookalike. For fans of This Is US, that was rough. It was like watching Jack’s crock pot-induced death all over again. Sigh…
The third and final Fantasy Suite date went to Garrett. Garrett and Becca started their day floating down a river on bamboo rafts, which looked just as idyllic as it sounds. It happened to be a Thai national holiday, so the river was full of locals literally having picnics in the water. Everyone appeared to be having rollicking good time. Garrett, however, probably hated it. He’s a known alt-right racist, and he was surrounded by people of colour all day long. I’m surprised the bigot managed to keep his composure. I guess he’s a very disciplined racist? Oh God, the stealth just makes him scarier!
For some reason that I find more confounding than quantum physics, Becca is obviously besotted with Garrett. She gushed to the cameras, “There’s something so special about him.” I’m hoping Becca confused the word “special” for “objectionable,” but judging from the amount of making out they did, I somehow doubt it.
The morning after, Becca and Jason looked positively giddy in their post-coital bliss.They cuddled in bed, faces glowing from all the orgasms they presumably enjoyed. Yes, I’m asserting that the couple certainly had sex. My evidence for this is that Garrett told the cameras “It was the best day of my life.” I think it’s safe to say he got super laid.
As the episode closed, Becca informed her remaining two beaux that they were headed to the Maldives. It was painfully obvious neither Garrett nor Blake knew what the hell that meant. Anyone who actually knows what the Maldives are knows those islands are one of the most exclusive and fabulous beach destinations on the planet. Meanwhile, Blake and Garrett looked so blasé, it was like Becca had announced the gang was headed to TGI Fridays for a pint. Maybe production should buy the remaining boys an Eye Witness guide, or perhaps a globe? They could stand to study some geography.
Well, that’s it for this week! Tune in next time, when we get to see the guys spill the tea on The Men Tell All! I think I’ll bake scones to celebrate!