OH MY GOD! That actually was THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER! For once, the hyperbole was accurate. Colton is now basically starring in a remake of The Fugitive, with Chris Harrison in the Tommy Lea Jones role. Hundreds of years from now, anthropologists will study the “Fence Jump” episode. It will live on in The Canon forever. Season 23 of The Bachelor is basically the Oedipus Rex of our times. I am breathless….
The episode started innocuously enough. The gang arrived in Portugal, and Colton looked genuinely excited to be in Europe for the first time. He was bright-eyed and hopeful as he escorted Tayshia on the first date of the week. The pair took a helicopter tour of the Algarve. While slightly derivative of Elyse’s helicopter-centric date earlier in the season, it was sweet. They bantered about Portugal’s main exports, which was a thinly veiled excuse for Colton to tell a joke about how the region is famous for “extra virgin olive oil.” There is no way the producers didn’t feed him that line.
Anyway, Colton and Tayshia seemed to be having a good time. Tayshia wore a cute romper to dinner that evening, and Colton was VERY um, interested, in the nip slip she had at the table. All signs pointed to nookie. It looked like Colton was about to become an official resident of Pound Town. But alas, by the time morning came, Tayshia had not; She confessed to the cameras that Colton didn’t appear ready, and she didn’t want to pressure him. As a result, Tayshia walked away with blue tubes. She was last seen alone, holding a giant mug of tea while looking out the window. Now THAT’S A MOOD.
This whole season, Colton has insisted he’s holding out for true love. He wants to have sex, but only when he has that lovin’ feeling. I for one support Colton in this. I firmly believe he should wait until he’s ready, whenever “ready” looks like for him. Not everyone needs to be in love to have sex, but Colton does. That’s why it was so gratifying to hear him say he was falling in love with Cassie!
Cassie and Colton’s date activity was initially low-key. They walked through a charming old town. At one point, they went pajama shopping. Later, they danced with a group of white-haired sexagenerians. It was adorable! But their date wasn’t just cute, it was steamy, too. At one point, they made out in an alleyway. I actually thought Colton might have his sexual initiation right then and there. But sadly, our man c-ckblocked HIMSELF a few minutes later.
For some reason (Read: Producer interference), Colton confessed to Cassie about her father denying his blessing. This caused the speech pathology student to spiral. Cassie presented as simultaneously unsure of how much her father’s approval mattered in this situation, and insulted that Colton wasn’t concerned by lack of said paternal approval. Apparently, a part of Cassie still believes she requires her patriarch’s permission to fall in love? I really hope she has a feminist awakening soon…
To make matters worse, Cassie’s father arrived at her hotel room later that afternoon. He flew to freaking EUROPE on a mission to mansplain his daughter’s feelings. Papa Cassie outlined his reservations about his daughter’s relationship with the former football player. When Cassie claimed to love him, her dad replied, “Is there a but?” It was obvious the man wasn’t leaving until his daughter agreed to pack her bags and go home. It was a condescending example of patriarchal culture, and it was totally icky .Instead of trusting his adult daughter, he decided to infantilize the woman, crossing THE BLOODY ATLANTIC OCEAN to run interference on her relationship. As soon as I finish this recap, I plan on reading bell hooks to cleanse myself.
By the time dinner rolled around, it was inevitable Cassie was going to become the umpteenth woman to walk off Colton’s season. While she insisted she’d “never felt so conflicted,” at no point did she contemplate staying. It was obvious this young lady was out the door.
Watching Colton get dumped by the love of his life (on the night he thought he was going to lose his virginity) was heartbreaking. He broke all of the rules of the show in his attempts to persuade Cassie to stay. Colton revealed he couldn’t stop thinking about Cassie when he was on dates with other contestants. He insisted she was The One, that he was in love with her, that he wanted a future with her. But to no avail. Cassie told Colton she wanted him to have the true love he craved. And Cassie wasn’t sure she could get there with him, ever.
As she drove away, Cassie was a sobbing mess. When she told the cameras she felt confused (which Cassie did about a 782 times last night), it felt true. This was a woman who had strong feelings for a guy, but not strong enough feelings to marry the guy. It was a great illustration of why most 23 year-olds aren’t ready to get married. How can you be sure about someone until you’re sure about who you are and what you want? Colton could be the person for Cassie, but she should probably date a few other dudes to be sure…
After Cassie’s departure, things went from sad to The Bachelor version of The Red Wedding. One minute, Colton was weeping alone in the dark, the next he was jumping that damn fence!
The moment we’ve been awaiting all season was worth it. As soon as Colton jumped, it was pandemonium! Producers called, “Someone get Chris!” Soon, Chris Harrison (along with the cameras), were roaming the streets of Portugal looking for their leading man. However, Colton was nowhere to be found. He fled without even going on his one-on-one date with Hannah G. I guess we won’t have a repeat of their notorious shower scene?
As an aside, I now owe someone $15 because I was sure Colton would have sex in The Fantasy Suite. I assumed he would jump the fence post-coitally. Alas, I was wrong, and I lost the bet. As a reality TV recapping professional, my predictions missed the mark. I apologize, dear readers…
This episode ended on a “To be continued…” notecard, so I’m fairly optimistic they’ll find Colton at some point. I mean, he’s active on Instagram. We know the dude’s not still roaming around Europe. It looks like we’re in store for A LOT MORE DRAMA. If this episode was The Bachelor’s version of The Red Wedding, I predict Part Two will be almost as exciting as the time Uncle Jesse married Aunt Becky on Full House. Now that was some riveting television…
Until next time!