Yesterday I was having a session with a client of mine: Beautiful young woman who happened to come in with her boyfriend. It was unexpected but since he was there, and we had been working on relationship issues with her lately, I thought it would be a good idea that they both come in since we can find different stories when we have both partners together.
Basically one of the challenges they were having, which is a very common challenge in relationship, was with making love. They love each other very much but it seem that there was a lot of stress going on when it came to love making.
And this is a very common problem in couples: it seems that it is easy to have great sex with someone; it is also relatively easy to love someone. But to love someone and make love with someone that’s a different story. It’s a whole new level of mastery in relationships.
Basically in romantic relationships there are two main fears: the fear of being engulfed and the fear of being abandoned, and we often oscillate consciously or subconsciously between these two fears.
When we did the mind body work that I do, we discovered a story they both shared that they were not aware was ruling them: Both of them had had a traumatic breakup when they were 17 years old, and both of them as a result had promised themselves at that time to never let themselves be hurt that much again. Which naturally showed up in their love making.
You may or may not be aware of this, but one of the factors that attracts us to someone romantically, is the subconscious knowledge that this person has a similar wound as ours. There are different schools of thought on this and from my experience doing the mind body work I do, it is amazing to see how even though we are not aware of it when we meet someone we are attracted to, to find out that they have had similar stories as ours and quite often at the same age!
To help them let go of the story about being 17 and having their relationship end, I asked them how many people do they know who are in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s that are still with the person they met in high school. They said not many naturally. They could see that what they were feeling back then was not love but rather infatuation or need to have someone reflect their worth. If someone reflects your worth and they leave you, then you loose your worthy. But that is not love, that’s just needing a mirror to make us feel safe.
Next time you find yourself upset or scared in a relationship that you have been committed to being in, take what is happening as an opportunity to explore and let go of an illusion about love and grow more in love instead of in fear… because love is safe and if it’s not safe…it’s not love.