A friend who had gone through a recent breakup called feeling panicked from intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness.
“I don’t know why I feel this way? I was just at an event with great people, I love my life, my work is going well and I know I did the right thing by ending my last relationship. Now that I’m home alone, I feel the overwhelming anxiety of being completely lonely. It terrifies me to a point of feeling sick to my stomach. What can I do?”
4 Steps to Instantly Overcoming Loneliness
Accept Your Feelings. Rather than talking yourself out of feeling “this way” with rational thinking, take a moment to embrace your feelings and acknowledge that they stem from a deeper subconscious fear that is asking to be addressed.
Decode Your Feelings. What are these feelings trying to tell you? Our fears are often developed in childhood and stored as neuronal programs in our subconscious mind. Once they are triggered by a trauma or an incident (such as a breakup, loss, disappointment etc.) they start the negative inner chatter in our mind and control our body’s fight or flight impulses that can lead to physical symptoms of anxiety, shaking, chills, nausea etc.
In our book UnderMind, we outline the 7 subconscious beliefs that sabotage our lives and how to overcome them. One of those 7 beliefs is “I’m all alone”. This belief has us feel lonely even when surrounded by others and it intensifies after a feeling of abandonment – even if we were in control of the break up.
Uncover Your Pattern. Often in this moment we feel overwhelmed by loneliness and it seems we will never get the love we crave, or find “the one” or feel whole. This intense loneliness has us feel incomplete like someone or something is missing. Is this a reoccurring pattern in your life? When have you felt this way before? It’s important to realize that until we are able to love ourselves and feel complete without the presence of another, we will continually repeat the pattern of overwhelming loneliness, codependent relationships or self sabotage.
Self Soothe with Self Love. The following are 2 extremely effective and instant actions you can take at any time during the day. They may seem a bit hokey but they are psychologically proven to provide both short and long term relief. In the short term, you immediately receive the love you crave and can readily release feelings of anxiety. In the long term, they build your relationship with yourself. You can only let a person love you as much as you are willing to let love in. The more you practice receiving love, the safer it feels when receiving from another.
The best part is that the human brain cannot distinguish a love note that you send to yourself from one that is sent to you by another. In fact, you are more likely to accept your own as you know it comes from a trusted source.
The next time you feel the anxiety of loneliness, abandonment, fear of not being worthy, loved or lovable…. Send yourself Love Notes.
Send yourself a text message. That’s right. Whip out your smart phone and dial in your number and write yourself the love note you crave to receive from your greatest love. It can be as simple as “you are an amazing person and I love you.” Or it can be “you are special and you deserve to be happy.” Press send and enjoy the “ding” of instantly receiving the love you crave. Try it, it has greater power than you can imagine.
Write yourself a longer letter. When you have a bit more time, write yourself a long letter or keep a self love journal that you write in (every night would be best – but whenever you need it works too). Write to yourself as if you are writing from “the one”. What you appreciate about yourself, what you noticed went well today, how beautiful / handsome etc you are.
This is not meant as an exercise in narcissism or vanity but to help you establish a healthier and
authentically loving relationship with yourself.
If you feel this is not enough, you may be ready to do the deeper work to permanently eliminate the negative feelings of loneliness, not feeling loved or lovable or worthy. You can now achieve permanent change by rewiring your mind from the negative programs that sabotage your life. Visit www.pnrt.ca for more information.
Enjoy the journey!