“My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex – ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant.” – Margaret Cho
As a red-blooded couple, you should be having scorching sex on a regular basis, right? Well, the reality is, not everyone is quite so lucky. The most common reason: couples don’t communicate with each other about their dissatisfaction in the sack. Embarrassment and a fear that something’s wrong with them keep most people from bringing up complaints. But you can’t solve the problem if you won’t even acknowledge it. The thing is, a sexual snag is usually easy to fix… first it has to be addressed. It doesn’t mean that you need to have lengthy, uncomfortable conversations either – there are other ways to impart your needs. I identify the five most common carnal crises couples face and offer my best advice on how to deal.
1. You’re not pleasing her… but you think you do. No matter how hard you try, you’re still not hitting her high notes – because you’re too fast, too slow or too far off the mark. You’re probably not bad in bed, it’s that she hasn’t let you know what you’re doing right or wrong. Men tend to stick with techniques that worked with other women, so unless she tells you otherwise, you’ll assume she likes it too. Clearly, telling you “Hey, sweetie, those moans of pleasure? Fake!” is not an option. But if she broaches the issue delicately and you help her too, you’ll have a constructive talk that will lead you both in the better direction. Or have her show you what feels good by taking your hands and bringing them to her hot spots, silently instructing on rhythm, pace and technique.
2. Her libido is higher than yours. The occasional “I’m not up for it” night happens. But some couples suffer from completely disparate sex drives. And when it’s the man who’s lacking in the lust department, it’s an even bigger issue. A large number of men have lower libidos than their girlfriends do but can’t admit it. Not being able to keep up can make some guys feel emasculated. Meanwhile, a woman with a higher libido is embarrassed by her sexuality or wonders why he’s not attracted to her. First step: rule out physical conditions. Certain medications and health issues can dampen your libido. If you’re healthy, you might just be overloaded. Men react to stress in two ways – they either become hyper-sexual because it’s the only thing that relieves their anxiety or they don’t feel like having sex at all. However, if it’s been like this from the very beginning, you need to figure out why you’re at different speeds. There is a whole variety of reasons why you might not be as amped as she is, from conservative parents to a bad sexual experience to simply the way you’re wired. For some people, achieving orgasm once a day is the norm; for others, once a week is enough. If you and your partner are just mismatched, you should try to accept the libidos biology dealt you. Then take matters into your own hands, and sometimes pleasure her manually when she’s in the mood and you’re not.
3. Technical difficulties. When your machinery malfunctions, the last thing you want to do is, gulp, talk about it. Erectile issues – from premature ejaculation to losing erection to not being able to come – are common. For men, sexual-performance issues are psychological or physiological. You might have a fear of intimacy or a troubled sexual past, but more often than not, stress, poor diet, or lack of exercise is to blame. Those kinds of temporary factors fade over time. However, if the problems are ongoing, consider seeing a sex therapist. In the meantime, the next time something arises –or rather, doesn’t – don’t freak. Instead, keep the momentum going. A lot of couples think that once the erection disappears, everything has to stop, but you can still pleasure her manually or orally. Showing her you’re capable of turning her on in other ways will make you feel better about the situation – plus, the less attention (read: pressure) you place on your penis, the more likely it is to spring back into action.
4. You’ve gotten into a rut. No, sex is never going to be like it was in the beginning. That’s because when couples first start dating, they can’t wait to try out every position and tongue trick in the book. A few years later, most long term couples have figured out which buttons to push to make their partners feel good, so they stick with what works. They may be having orgasms, but relying on the same moves can make most couples lazy about exploring. Try to revive that once-adventurous attitude. Excitement breeds excitement, so anything new will get you inspired. That might mean having sex in different rooms or adding a position into the rotation. Even though something like rock climbing or going camping might not seem like an aphrodisiac, it shakes up your usual routine, raises your endorphin levels and gets the relationship adrenaline running on high again.
5. Initiating sex falls on her. When you first start dating a woman, it seems like all you want to do is get in her panties. But once you’re in a committed relationship, you simply stop being as assertive, either because you’ve gotten bored with your sexual routine or because you don’t feel like you have to try as hard to get sex. Unfortunately, though, that might not work for your partner. Most women prefer when a man takes control during sex. That’s why it can be really annoying – and less satisfying – if she’s always the one initiating.
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By Gabrielle Moore
Gabrielle Moore helps couples around the world improve their sex lives. She communicates daily with her more than 300,000 subscribers. Gabrielle is the author of several best-selling books, such as “The Female Orgasm Revealed“, “Turn Her On Faster“, “Hot Licks“, and many others.