Michael and Cindy came to see me because they love each other but they keep fighting on a regular basis. After 1 year of being together they are thinking that there may be no hope to ever be happy as a couple.
Working together, I was able to demonstrate what the core issues that were creating their challenges: Michael was afraid of being abandoned and Cindy was afraid that she would never be able to be loved the way she wanted to be loved. This is very common for couples, sometimes these fears are set in the partners and sometimes they oscillate, swinging back and forth between them.
This showed up with Cindy when she felt that Michael did not support her in what she was doing and did not acknowledge her enough. If she mentioned something to Michael, he would feel afraid that he was not good enough and therefore he would be abandoned: why get more involved then if he was going to be abandoned? To ‘protect’ himself he would retrieve some more into himself and Cindy would then feel even more like she was never going to be loved the way she wanted to be loved. That was creating lots of conflicts and fights, that were taking the pleasure out of the being together and making them want to call it quit.
Because they had a heart connection, they were staying together, understanding that something was wrong, not knowing what. But they were not happy. Just hanging in because they did not know what else to do.
The fear of not being able to be loved the way we want to be loved and of being abandoned happen because we deep down don’t feel worthy of love or have the deep down fear that we are unworthy of love, not good enough.
That fear is at the core of all emotions, and I would say that 99% of the population has this fear until we do our inner work: the quest for self-love is the holy grail for all of us. Learning to love who we are is not selfish, because when we love who we are, we can love others instead of creating strife in our relationships. When we love and feel love it makes us feel happy. And that’s the trick: by learning to love who we are, we can then love others and feel happy but when we look to others to make us feel happy, it does not work for very long.
The understanding of what was happening to them was a huge relief: once they saw what was triggering each other and making them feel insecure. Over time, by being caring and loving, they were able to communicate in ways that took care of their sensitivities which enhanced their trust in each other and made them feel happy to be together instead of miserable.
If you would like to find out more insights into the making of a solid romantic life, go to my website www.drlisejanelle.com for free videos and coaching opportunities.