Whether you know it or not, your subconscious mind is making decisions for your life every minute of your day. Some experts believe that up to 95% of what we do is in reaction to our conditioning from our past. That’s right, you may believe that you chose to be with this person you are dating right now, but most likely not: the people we let in our lives are there because they correspond to what we have associated with being safe. Even if what is ‘safe’ is because it is connected to what is familiar and not really what is good for your heart.
Your subconscious mind not only remembers all the events of your entire life but it also keeps a record of how you felt and what you believed about each one. Your conscious mind, the one which decides that you want to be in a loving relationship, relatively speaking is the size of a football, and your subconscious mind, the one that goes for what is familiar and feels safer even if it means being with someone who is emotionally unavailable, relatively speaking is the size of the football field!: Which part of you do you think will win?
So if you find yourself in relationships that seem to start differently but always end up being the same, it is for that reason: You are being hijacked by your subconscious mind.
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A typical situation for most of us is that we get a crush on someone in our teens, it does not last and… we get crushed. That and all the previous experiences with our family, friends and strangers make us believe that love is not safe and that something must be wrong with us for this to happen. We often promise ourselves that we will never let this happen again and the older we get with more stories like that under our belts, the more we end up associating relationships with pain instead of love.
Depending on your personality, in the next relationship you will either try to compensate for this lack of worth by being overly giving in the relationship or by withdrawing and being aloof. Either one of these don’t lead to much fulfillment in the long run.
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The thing to know when you are a teenager is that, even though you think you will be for the rest of your life with that extraordinary person who makes you feel so good at first… you won’t. You are not supposed to. That high you are experiencing is not love, it’s infatuation. And it’s not because something is wrong with you that it did not work out: how many people do you know nowadays ended up marrying the person they met in their teens?
The aim of relationships is to teach us how to love. This is so important to remember: the aim of a relationship is not to make us happy… or sad… it’s to teach us how to love because when we love, we feel happy.
In order to love we need to be conscious of why we are in a relationship. The immature part of us is looking for someone to take all of our booboos away, because our first love experience was with our mother or primary caregiver who gave up their life to take care of us for a few years.
They were in charge of keeping us safe, fed, sheltered and happy. And deep down our subconscious mind seeks that, which is a problem when both partners if they are not mature enough, are both seeking. We need to wake up from that conditioning and realize that love is wanting the best for our partner (or anyone else in our lives) while respecting our needs. Love is not selfish. Love is giving and receiving.
Therefore, love demands that we be conscious, that we do our inner work, that we let go of our insecurities so that we can be truly loving of others because we love who we are. When we love who we are, we pick a partner who is kind, has similar values and is committed to making the relationship work. Just as much as we are. The fairy tale stories of ‘And they lived happily ever after’ are the biggest killer of true love in real life. Like anything else in life, loving relationships are more satisfying when we involve ourselves in them. When we give to them and take the time to let go of old beliefs and stories about love and about our worth, we can have satisfying, ‘happy making’ love stories.
If you would like to find out more, go to my website www.drlisejanelle.com for free videos and more insights into making a solid romantic life.