“Love is just a system for getting someone to call you darling after sex.” – Julian Barnes
The show’s over, but what about the encore, the things that you, willingly or not, do after you roll off of each other and call it a day. I reveal the worst post-sex faux pas and what you should actually be doing after giving each other the well-deserved orgasms. You don’t want to screw up right at the end, now do you?
There’s a moment after sex that I’ve named the black widow spider. It is when the deed is done, everybody is exhausted and, out of the multiple options available to you, you pick the most off-putting things to do. You fall asleep before you even get the chance to look her in the eye lovingly and thankfully. You say things that aren’t meant to be said in such delicate moments. You turn around and grab the remote for some late night news, leaving her to linger in the wet spot, all alone, counting the cracks on your walls. Sure, there aren’t any rules for hanging out post-coitus, but there are a few odd ones that can take a bite out of the mood and leave you both feeling awkward and disappointed. Here’s what you’re doing wrong (as harmless as these acts may seem, they hurt your partner’s feelings in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine) and what you should be doing instead.
Showering immediately. The person you’ve slept with has summoned the courage to be intimate with another human and she’s exposed her body and soul to you. By jumping out of bed and taking a shower, you’ve made her ask the worst question a person can ask themselves: “Am… am I… stinky?” And you know how self-conscious women can get about these kinds of things. They want everything to be perfect. They shave, they put on perfume, the slather lotions all over their bodies and they can’t accept that all their efforts were actually in vain and that you weren’t left with the impression that they smell better than a field of roses. So stay in bed for a little while, at least half an hour, and then go to wash yourself.
Saying “thank you”. Pillow talk based on gratitude is tricky. Make your thanks too heartfelt and the girl may feel like she’s become some kind of sex charity (which might appear awesome for you, but doesn’t help her self-esteem much). Make it too specific and she might feel you were doing her a favor. Also, women are bound to question everything, so if you’re too eager to thank her for her “services”, she might start thinking there something else lurking behind your kind words. Insincerity, maybe? Just say that you felt great and that you hope she did too. There’s no need to extend praises too much, a woman’s sixth sense will pick on that in a heartbeat.
Leaving stuff at her place. It’s three days later and the phone rings. “Hey, did I leave my tie there? It should be on the bedside table. Can I come over and get it?” Inventing a reason to come over is straight out of high school. It’s obvious, it’s sneaky, and it’s way too tempting to reply with “No, let’s meet at a coffee shop and I’ll bring it to you”. If you’ve had sex once, let her decide if she wants a rerun, otherwise, you’ll put her in the awkward position of finding ways to say no to you.
Making comparisons. Few women really want to know about the other people you’ve been with. When it comes to sex, most of us don’t want to go to the Olympics, we just want a personal best. Comparing us is like holding up a scoreboard and making us wonder if we’ll get a medal – it’s strange to say the least, it’s alarming and can you imagine the sheer heartbreak of going home with the bronze?
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By Gabrielle Moore
Gabrielle Moore helps couples around the world improve their sex lives. She communicates daily with her more than 300,000 subscribers. Gabrielle is the author of several best-selling books, such as “The Female Orgasm Revealed“, “Turn Her On Faster“, “Hot Licks“, and many others.