The nature of our present always has roots in our past. Nobody lives in a vacuum and every aspect of family life as a child from the communication pattern to religious family values affects our adult relationships greatly.
According to numerous researchers in the area of family influence on the formation of personality, children do learn by observation, experience, and instruction. They pick up every detail, beginning from behavioral traits and finishing with values.
Parents can affect love values and expectations of their children in two ways: directly and indirectly. They directly teach and explain what’s right and what’s wrong, giving examples of good family values – this is happening consciously. However, below the level of conscious awareness, the family is a child’s first role model, an example, and a guide.
Values give direction and meaning: people with positive love values tend to feel comfortable in the world, are successful and balanced, people with negative values often struggle with finding their place in society and sometimes have violent relationships with their partners.
So, what is family influence and how exactly does childhood memories and family affect love life of people as adults? Let’s see.
- Attachment Style
Attachment theory suggests that each of has an internal working model of our parents, which is internalized as our own self. It affects how we are in relationships and how we experience ourselves.
- Secure attachment style is formed within people, growing up with functional bonding (when parents show their love, respond children’s needs, validate their feelings).
- Insecure attachment style also develops because of our family; it leads to low self-esteem, doubts that we can trust anybody else, and anxiety in love relationships.
- Arguments and Conflicts Are the Norm
[Paradoxically, I can’t bear, when my relationship has no flaws. When we are happy for a long time, I always spoil everything: blame the partner for something, make him jealous, or make a scene from scratch. When everything’s been too good for too long, I just want to break up.]
Such problem can appear if the person has grown up in a family, where arguments between the parents were the norm. Finally, they got divorced at a mother’s initiative, and the girl has grown with this drama inside. Subconsciously, she will follow her family model. If her partner behaves too good (unlike her dad used to), she’ll provoke conflicts.
- How the Love Is Expressed
- Love to the Child
The way you show your love to your kids is the way they will express it in their love relationships. Is it hugs, support, playfulness, and endless words of admiration, or just an act of affection, reserved for “special occasions”?
- Love to One Another
Also, your children will emulate and model the ways you and your partner show love to one another.
- Hypercritical Parents
If both parents are hypercritical towards the kids, be sure that they’ll be the same. However, if it’s only one parent who always criticizes, things become more interesting: if mom is constantly picking on dad, a girl feels closer to him and understands the fear of her boyfriend to be hurt; if the situation is opposite, a kid may be inadvertently following mother’s lead.
- Who Is the Problem-Solver in the Family?
[I’m afraid of trusting him. It’s not about pride. It seems to me, if I do so, all will be ruined. I feel much safer when I rely on myself, not on someone else.]
If in a family it’s all up to the woman and the man is a morally weak person, this problem is very likely to happen in the future. The same can happen if the kid is use to being a problem-solver, which is even worse.
All efforts to give up the family example and consciously follow a different scenario are extremely psychologically difficult for people, who have been brought up in another atmosphere.
- Mom – Son Relationship
[He tries to make me angry in all possible ways. I keep my emotions for a long time until I come to the boiling point. After I shout at him, he suddenly changes his behavior, gives me presents, and says compliments.]
This problem may come from the lack of mother’s attention when he was a child. If making mom angry or scared has been the only way of getting her attention, there’s a strong possibility of acquiring a lifelong habit of putting a woman out of temper in order to feel safe and loved.
To prevent many other current issues that can affect your son’s happiness in the future, check some mother and son quotes.
- Dad – Daughter Relationship
A Licensed Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert for Women, Shirani M. Pathak says: “If you had a great relationship with your dad, you will most likely have few struggles in your relationships with men. If you didn’t have such a great relationship with your dad, expect to find yourself struggling in your relationships with men.”
Also, psychologists agree that if a girl doesn’t feel that her father is proud of her, she is unlikely to expect an enthusiastic attitude and admiration of her partner.
- Relationships First?
And finally, how important will the relationships and love be for your adult child? What position will it take in the system of life values?
The answer is evident: it’s gonna be just like it is in your family.